How do you want to feel, even during your divorce?

If there was a way for you to stay out of heated arguments, off the emotional roller coaster, and out of constant drama surrounding your divorce would you want to know more?

I know you would!

We’ve covered the emotional aspects of divorce on this blog several times [links to heated arguments, etc, etc], but this is a totally new way of approaching this topic that I think is important to share.

There’s a new paradigm in the self-development community that is shifting much of what we’ve come to know and learn about goals and accomplishments.

The new paradigm is to focus on the feelings associated with your goals and actions, rather than the actual accomplishment of those goals.

Danielle LaPorte, authored the book The Desire Map, which goes in depth into discovering what’s really behind those goals we all set for ourselves. I think it’s an interesting concept, especially when we explore it in relationship to divorce and our relationships.

The idea is this – when we set goals for ourselves, what we are really after is the FEELING we will get when we accomplish that goal.

For instance, if you chose to train for a marathon, what are you really after in meeting that goal? Is it simply running the 26.2 miles or is it something more? It could be that you want to feel the exhilaration of crossing the finish line, how it feels to take on such a big goal and actually complete it, or even the feeling of pushing yourself to do something you didn’t once believe you could. All of those feelings are the real reason behind setting the goal in the first place.

So what’s this have to do with your divorce?

Divorce is emotional. We react to the situation or persons involved. We get caught up in the emotional roller coaster, while being told by professionals to keep it all business. Not the easiest concept and not always easy to put into practice.

Tapping into how you want to feel, above all else, could make it easier.

For one, it can help you get out of reaction mode and focused instead on how you actually want to feel, despite what may be happening around you.

Secondly, it could give you a new view of the situation and understanding why those involved may be acting out. For instance, your ex might be doing things that seem hurtful to you because he/she is truly in search of feeling safe, calm, or loved and they aren’t feeling that in their life. The disconnect between what they want to feel and what they’re actually feeling causes them to react in ways that are hurtful.

The Desire Map is a book and program designed to help you really understand your feelings on a deeper level, but for now, here’s how you can apply it to your life today and throughout your divorce:

1.      Recognize the feeling

Begin to recognize how you WANT to feel, in your life and in your relationship. This can look like a lot of different things. Perhaps in your life you want to feel happy. In your relationships, you want to feel adored. Even with your ex, you might want to feel calm or peaceful. Noticing the feelings you’re drawn to and how you want to feel is the first step to separating yourself from the situation that may be causing you to act out.

2.      Notice the feelings in others

Once you begin to notice these within yourself, you’ll be amazed at how they show up in others. You’ll start to see where others behave or react a certain way, that there’s a deeper feeling they’re searching for and just not getting. You find more common ground and find it easier to relate to someone when you notice they’re after particular feelings, just like you.

3.      Realize the disconnect

The last step involves realizing the disconnect between the want and the reality, both for you and for others. And this is the real key to how you can avoid the drama, stay off the roller coaster, and stick to the business aspect of divorce. Most likely you’re both in search of similar feelings, but might not be currently experiencing them. When we want to feel a certain way and we don’t, we react. So instead of assuming they are just out to get us or being purposely hurtful, you might just realize where they aren’t having their feelings met. It’s just a reframe that brings a new level of understanding to a situation that otherwise could be quite contentious.

Following these steps and tuning into your feelings will help you stay out of reaction more often, keeping your business of divorce out of heated arguments and inflamed emotions that may never be able to recover.

We often say things in the heat of the moment that we regret, yet can’t ever take back. Or we do things we aren’t proud of.

All of it because we aren’t feeling the way we want to feel, which is frustrating and we don’t know how to handle it.

Cultivating a practice of tuning into your emotions can help keep you grounded and on the path to the life you want.

How do you want to feel in your divorce, as a single person, in your life in general?